The Curse of the Crocs

Manolo says, as the Croc empire of evil attempts to impose its hegemonisitic desires upon the citizens of the world, the the tiny-but-valiant anti-Croc resistance struggles under the oppressive rubber heel fighting for all that is stylish and holy. Look, here is one of the Manolo’s comrades-in-arms, the Marcelle D’Argy Smith fighting the good fight in the Daily Mail.
Jack Nicholson looking stupid in Crocs

If there is one thing, in my view, which is guaranteed to drive a woman screaming in the other direction, it is the sight of a man who should know better sporting a luridly technicolour pair of shoes which would look far more suitable on a four-year-old girl.

The damn things look like clumsy rubbery clogs with large perforations.

They’re called Crocs because they resemble a reptile’s snout.

Seductive, eh? And yet six million pairs have been sold around the world already. We are drowning in Crocs.

You may understand the quirky nature of Mr Nicholson – but what about the other ten million pairs of Crocs they’re projected to sell this year? Not all of those people can be ramblers, fisherman and ageing beach bums, surely?

I was just listening to Ella Fitzgerald singing Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered and sighing at the line “I’ll worship the trousers that cling to him”. I then tried to imagine the trousers of a man I loved, teamed with orange or bright-blue Croc shoes.

Go on. You try it. Torture yourself at the thought of the man in your life succumbing to this massive manipulation marketing-gonemad Crocs trend. There’s no telling with an Englishman: he might even wear brown socks with his orange Crocs. You’ll leave him,

Crocs of course. No woman could be expected to live with that.

[...]

Perhaps it’s because wearing them makes them feel about 12 again – you know, when they went on that shrimping holiday to Devon and wore those foul beige jelly sandals.

Now, hey presto, with a mortgage and two kids, they can spend £30 and feel as though they are the coolest cats in town all over again.

Yes, the marketeers have done their work. “They’re comfortable; they’re cheap,” they bleat. May they rot in Croc hell. In fact, I find the thought of a middle-aged man wearing them so repulsive that I’m almost prepared to march on this one.

Hell is too good for the likes of the Crocs manufacturers, Comrade D’Argy Smith, too good, indeed.

24 Responses to “The Curse of the Crocs”

  1. Julia July 26, 2007 at 4:00 pm #

    You’ll be happy to know they are being banned in at least one place in Canada. Check out the story at http://www.canada.com/ottawacitizen/news/story.html?id=f2890624-f607-432c-bb4e-35ca64a43b2a&k=6756

  2. Sarah July 26, 2007 at 4:10 pm #

    I was stuck in an airport for about five hours yesterday in Orlando, seated next to a woman about my age (mid- to late-20′s, old enough to know better) who had on a pair of black Crocs with Mickey-Mouse shaped cutouts in them instead of the regular round holes. She also had a bag swinging from her carry-on containing ANOTHER pair of Crocs… possibly a spare in case the first pair got caught in an escalator at the airport or something.

    I realize that “family vacation resort” wear is often ugly at best, but Mickey Mouse Crocs… you’ve gotta be kidding me.

  3. Bridey July 26, 2007 at 4:48 pm #

    Mickey Mouse Crocs! I had to check that out (shudder), and here they are:

    http://www.crocfans.com/wp-content/disneycrocs7.jpg

    They look like a swarm of little insects has landed on them. There really is something worse than regular Crocs! And the fact that there is a website called “crocfans” is really, really demoralizing.

  4. Meg Q July 26, 2007 at 5:10 pm #

    Well, this column reassured me of one thing. I have been trying forever (in nice, gentle ways) to get my husband to stop wearing socks – any socks, but especially black socks – with his mandals. Perhaps he is simply impervious to this advice because he is British, and, even more, a professor of English. Maybe it’s because they all wore those cute little “sandal”-type shoes with white socks as tots? He has improved markedly in other areas of dress since we married 3 years ago.

    Anyway, to his credit, he has always found Crocs abominable. And, since we live in Edmonton, Alberta, one can only wear sandals for three months a year, maximum.

  5. Noga July 26, 2007 at 6:29 pm #

    Cher Manolo,

    I’m being to have that churning feeling at the pit of my stomach: Are you turning into an anti-croc fascist? These inncoent, foamy, light as a cloud, colourful foot appendages whose humble ambition is only to serve the feet and to provide protection for the tender toes, what have they done to deserve such contempt? They may not be elegant, they may not be even superfantastically-expensive, but, like any other shoe, by jove, they have as much a right to be sold as any pair of teal-coloured satin sandals At Neiman Marcus!

  6. wildflower July 26, 2007 at 7:20 pm #

    Noga, I have a (matching!) set of warm, fuzzy, extremely soft comfy sweatpants and sweatshirt with my former company’s corporate logo on them. They are comfy and soft, and I could LIVE in thim, were comfort the only goal.

    But nevertheless, when I head off to work, I have to put on some more decent clothes. Because only wee children look cute in sweats in public!

    Bummer!

  7. KateriBella July 26, 2007 at 7:55 pm #

    Noga, I join your side in the crusade for the Crocs! I love them — comfy, cushy, cloudly pillows underneath my flat feets. A friend of mine at 8 months preggo could only wear her Croc sandals, for they were the only shoes that were cushy enough to wear and did not make her feets swell more than they already were. She swore by them, and now owns three different pairs (all different colors, of course)! Me and you make two in the defense of the Crocs! Hooray for the Crocs!
    Mr. Manolo, I humbly aspire to be as superfantastic as you, even though on this subject, we shall never agree…

  8. deja pseu July 26, 2007 at 8:07 pm #

    Between the crocs and the pose, it appears that Mr. Nicholson is channeling his Inner Toddler.

  9. daisyj. July 26, 2007 at 8:10 pm #

    A pox on the Crocs!

  10. Noga July 26, 2007 at 8:47 pm #

    Please! No crusades! I’m talking shoe-rights here, that is, the right of the shoe to be worn and the right of human beings who so desire to wear them:

    I am a croc! Hath not a croc sole? Hath not a croc upper, shape, colour, function? Made by the same human hands, subject to the same ungainly feet, drenched by water, dried by the sun, soiled by the same sand and dirt as any Mizrahi high-heel black pump? If you waddle in the mud, do we not get muddy? If our sole gets cracked, are we not discarded? And if you get fed up with us, are we not relegated to the box of exiled shoes in the nether regions of your basement?

    _______________
    BTW, I don’t own a pair of crocs though I am eyeing these ones:

    http://www.surfanddirt.com/nofear/product.asp?s_id=1&dept_id=6330&pf_id=PAAAIAOPPBOLEAEJ

  11. wildflower July 26, 2007 at 8:59 pm #

    OK Noga, that is awesome!

    But I beg to differ… they are not made by human hands. They are made by an injection-moulding machine. :)

  12. Noga July 26, 2007 at 9:13 pm #

    Fie, fie, Mistress Wildflower, such pedantry! Who made the injection-moulding machine? Ay, there is the rub… The human hands!

  13. Melissa July 26, 2007 at 9:19 pm #

    Yes, Noga, but one might say the same for those Wal-mart flip-flops from a few posts back that gave their wearer a chemical burn! :-)

    No one can deny that Crocs are comfy, and many of my dear friends wear them for that reason –but superfantastic they are not. I have yet to hear anyone defend the Croc on its aesthetic merit. I firmly believe that one can buy a pair of shoes that are just as comfy as Crocs and don’t look like plastic bath toys.

  14. Poochie July 26, 2007 at 11:37 pm #

    Melissa,

    My point exactly! – http://shoedaydreams.blogspot.com/2007/07/honey-were-killing-kidsfashion-sense.html

    There are so many options available.

    Plus I don’t consider these shoes – don’t even try to lump them in with what I wear on my feet. What I wear are shoes – those monstrosities are not.

    Luv
    Poochie
    http://shoedaydreams.blogspot.com/

  15. Lilly July 27, 2007 at 2:48 am #

    Manolo, crocs are the sign of the devil. I had a teacher who just LOVED to wear his black or tan crocs. He made us do an internet scavenger hunt for the ugliest shoes once, and I pulled up a photo of a hideous pair of red crocs. How gross.

  16. Nenalovesshoes July 27, 2007 at 3:05 am #

    I think what we need is an urgent design of some nice comfortable shoes that can serve the same purposes as the Crocs but not in such an ugly and visually offensive manner. I understand that people go for comfort, and that many sneaker brands have lately switched to very synthetic, hot and sweaty materials (this includes all the top brands by the way). I remember the days when sneakers were lined with cotton based terry material and they were great, and suddenly it disappeared!! to give way to all sorts of horribly synthetic options that make your feet boil. The only non sweaty sneakers are canvas tennis shoes but they are not the most comfortable either if worn all day long.

    I find Crocs horrendous myself, beyond belief horrendous, but we need the help from designers and footwear brands to launch a shoe than can beat the Croc!!

  17. gilda July 27, 2007 at 3:48 am #

    gilda says, she HATES crocs. bleah!

  18. Scarlet July 27, 2007 at 8:25 am #

    My aunt owns a pair of Crocs that look like regular old strappy sandals. If she hadn’t told me, I never would have known any different. It seems Crocs aren’t all bad. If you just love the feeling of those “cloudly, pillowy” astrocities, please do us all a favor and find some that don’t look like you hijacked a clown.

    Take a look…
    http://shop.crocs.com/pc-110-4-cleo.aspx?reqid=110&reqProdTypeId=41p&subsectionname=footwear&section=products

  19. Elvira July 27, 2007 at 9:41 am #

    The author writes:
    “The damn things look like clumsy rubbery clogs with large perforations.”
    That is because they are, indeed, clumsy rubbery clogs with large perforations.

    Count me among those who believe that while a garment might be comfortable, we should take care when inflicting it on the eyes of our fellows.

    And Crocs have not been around that long, yet for well over 50 years I have been able to find comfortable shoes without them. How did that happen? Could it be that comfortable shoes have existed all along? That we have choices that are not as visually heinous? I believe this is the case, giving us even more reason to abhor these abominable chunks of molded foam.

    For the record, I own a pair, which I wore a few times at campsites after hauling a 30-pound pack over rugged trails in our national parks and forests. I have decided that they are just (not so) cheap, ugly shoes that offer my sore feet nothing special, and have resumed carrying my Tevas sandals instead.

  20. Lori July 27, 2007 at 2:05 pm #

    “I was just listening to Ella Fitzgerald singing Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered and sighing at the line “I’ll worship the trousers that cling to him”. I then tried to imagine the trousers of a man I loved, teamed with orange or bright-blue Croc shoes.”

    I tried imagining my ex-boyfriend in orange Crocs and laughed my head off. Try it!

  21. Saumaya July 27, 2007 at 9:33 pm #

    I could not stop laughing for about 10 minutes after I finished reading the diatribe on Crocs. With 6 million pairs sold its as much of a global crisis as the greenhouse effect

  22. Jenzilla July 29, 2007 at 11:04 am #

    You know what else would be comfy and cheap? Tissue boxes. You wouldn’t look much more ridiculous, and it’d actually cost less!

  23. RoseCafe June 9, 2009 at 3:20 pm #

    Crocs Malindi shoes left chemical burns on my feet – the burn pattern was exactly the same as the shoe pattern – no doubt as the the source.
    My fault was that I wore them every night – working on cement floors – they are very comfy. But the burns took months to heal and my toes are still sore.
    Buyer beware. No more Crocs for me! Their customer “service” does not respond to complaints.
    This is true.
    Rose

  24. jolly August 28, 2010 at 10:00 pm #

    Hey I really want a free pattern for the socks that are made for the crocs ;) anyone know of a FREE one?