Shoe Personalities: Keen Newport H2

N.B. Psychologists have proven what we already know, shoes tell us much about the wearer


Keen Newport H2

The Keen Newport H2, priced at $100.

Manolo says, your name is Rick. Not Ricky, Rick, and you work as the engineer for one of the oil companies doing tolerance analysis, but that is not important.

What is important is that you like to run. No, you love to run, really run. Ten, fifteen, twenty miles the day, much more on the weekends.

Although you run the very respectable marathon times, you have this awkward gait that forces you, when you are in the race, to run more frantically. Thus, it is not unusual for bystanders to shout as you go by, “What’s chasing you, buddy!” (Mark, one of your old running “friends,” would always shout back “Zombies!” People would laugh, which is why you prefer to run alone now.)

You started running again twelve years ago, to combat the onset of the middle-aged spread. And today, you weigh five pounds less (actually 4.65lbs less this morning) than you did when you were in college.

“The best shape of your life,” you like to announce frequently to whoever will listen. Your wife, Debbie, she doesn’t like to run, or exercise much at all, which is why she put on that weight, fifteen pounds. She was not that good looking to begin with, but she was nice to you in your senior year, when the other girls would not give you the time of day. And she has been the good mother to Rick, Jr., taking him to his trombone lessons and making sure he does his homework.

Most mornings you’re up early, four-thirty, and out on the road by five, running. Because of this, you maintain the strict 8:30PM bedtime. Debbie doesn’t seem to mind. She doesn’t like to have people talking to her when she’s watching Mark Harmon on NCIS.

You like these Keen shoes because they’re outdoorsy, and they look cool with your favorite work pants, those khakis ones that convert into shorts by unzipping the legs. So clever. They must have been designed by the engineer.

8 Responses to “Shoe Personalities: Keen Newport H2”

  1. Lisa from SoCal July 3, 2012 at 11:36 am #

    Rick also rides the bike to work and tells everybody who will listen how much better that is than the evil, polluting car.

  2. cadpig July 3, 2012 at 11:36 am #

    Single-handedly the saddest shoe personality ever…

  3. Fausta July 3, 2012 at 2:48 pm #

    Whoa!

    A masterful portrait of a life of quiet desperation, Manolo. Superb!

  4. Dawn July 3, 2012 at 6:24 pm #

    The Rick has become the locovore, insisting that Debbie only shop for organic, locally sourced food from the ethical producers such as Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s. She is happy to do so because the awkward young manager of the Trader Joe’s in willing to take her to his office to help him order the food.

  5. Livia July 5, 2012 at 3:12 am #

    Rick is annoying when he runs through the neighborhood, but a real menace when he’s on his bike in those stretchy shorts with everything matching head to toe (including the bike) in that fluorescent orange. More than one neighbor has smiled and waved while secretly wondering if he could get away with running him over with his car. Rick believes they all love him. It matters not a penny that he is wrong.

  6. Anna July 5, 2012 at 5:09 pm #

    This series is absolutely brilliant and this is the best entry yet.

  7. Mimi July 6, 2012 at 12:26 pm #

    Say what you will about the esthetics of this shoe, but the Mimi must state here that her Keens are the most comfortable shoes she has ever worn, and Keens are very intelligently thought out in structure and function. http://www.zappos.com/keen-bali-black

  8. Rowly July 8, 2012 at 6:27 pm #

    Manolo, I must make the alternate profiling: The wearer of these shoes is Amy, 40-something lesbian math teacher in Boulder, who likes to look like she is sporty, though she spends most of her free time watching HGTV. Associates orange with youth, humor and Mario Batali, so these shoes make her happy when she looks down. Also, she dropped a drill on her foot while doing home repairs, and needs something to cover the black toenail.