Trainwreck, 2012.

Manolo says, the Manolo, who is increasingly becoming the cranky old man, made the mistake the few months back of subscribing to the twitter feed of the Cosmopolitan magazine. (It is like the train wreck. The Manolo cannot turn away.)

Since that time, under the near constant barrage of dumb, puerile, misguided tweets from the editors, the Manolo has begun to formulate the few theories about the new Cosmo Girl, or more properly, who it is that might be subscribing to this Cosmopolitan-sized disaster.

Thus…

The average Cosmopolitan subscriber buys all of her underwear at Victoria’s Secret and all of her books at Wal-Mart.

The average Cosmopolitan subscriber knows who Channing Tatum is, but has never heard of Marie Curie.

The average Cosmopolitan subscriber believes that, somehow, sexting is her ticket to fame and fortune.

The average Cosmopolitan subscriber can’t do long division but knows 15 ways to use baby oil to please the random male found at the sports bar.

The average Cosmopolitan subscriber thinks Lindsay Lohan is the role model for empowered women.

The average Cosmopolitan subscriber skipped over all the big words in Fifty Shades of Gray.

The average Cosmopolitan subscriber dots all her “i’s” with smiley-faces and draws all her “u’s” in shape of vulvas.

The average Cosmopolitan subscriber thinks straight men actually read Cosmo for Men.

Cosmo for Men, Korea. Our honored ancestors weep.

P.S. Many thanks to the Manolo’s friend, the Stella, for finding the Cosmo for Men cover.