The Average Cosmopolitan Subscriber
By Manolo the Shoeblogger
Trainwreck, 2012.
Manolo says, the Manolo, who is increasingly becoming the cranky old man, made the mistake the few months back of subscribing to the twitter feed of the Cosmopolitan magazine. (It is like the train wreck. The Manolo cannot turn away.)
Since that time, under the near constant barrage of dumb, puerile, misguided tweets from the editors, the Manolo has begun to formulate the few theories about the new Cosmo Girl, or more properly, who it is that might be subscribing to this Cosmopolitan-sized disaster.
Thus…
The average Cosmopolitan subscriber buys all of her underwear at Victoria’s Secret and all of her books at Wal-Mart.
The average Cosmopolitan subscriber knows who Channing Tatum is, but has never heard of Marie Curie.
The average Cosmopolitan subscriber believes that, somehow, sexting is her ticket to fame and fortune.
The average Cosmopolitan subscriber can’t do long division but knows 15 ways to use baby oil to please the random male found at the sports bar.
The average Cosmopolitan subscriber thinks Lindsay Lohan is the role model for empowered women.
The average Cosmopolitan subscriber skipped over all the big words in Fifty Shades of Gray.
The average Cosmopolitan subscriber dots all her “i’s” with smiley-faces and draws all her “u’s” in shape of vulvas.
The average Cosmopolitan subscriber thinks straight men actually read Cosmo for Men.
Cosmo for Men, Korea. Our honored ancestors weep.
P.S. Many thanks to the Manolo’s friend, the Stella, for finding the Cosmo for Men cover.
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July 5th, 2012 at 12:43 pm
Good thing that I prefer to read the words of the Manolo than those of the Cosmo.
July 5th, 2012 at 12:51 pm
I didn’t think 50 shades of grey had any big words!
July 5th, 2012 at 11:02 pm
This reminds me of one of the passages from @DRUNKHULK’s parody of Fifty Shades:
CHRISTIAN STARE AT DRUNK HULK! IMPASSIVE! THAT MEAN “WITHOUT FEELING” FOR 16 YEAR OLD GIRL WHO PROBABLY READ THIS!
July 5th, 2012 at 1:10 pm
This is the kind of cutting-edge reportage and analysis that keeps us coming back to the Manolo.
July 5th, 2012 at 1:14 pm
Wow, I didn’t even realize Cosmo was still around…sounds like it hasn’t changed much in 35 years.
July 5th, 2012 at 1:41 pm
I’ve read that it’s the top-selling magazine in college bookstores. This says something about college that I don’t even want to think about, given tuition prices these days.
July 5th, 2012 at 10:42 pm
I can’t believe they’re still selling Cosmo next to Maxim and FHM at college bookstores, too. (And in some stores, within close proximity of Low Rider magazine.)
Back in my undergraduate days, I used to read Cosmo out of curiosity; it took me years before I realized that all of the sex advice that they publish in the magazine are recycled on a regular basis,and the “fashion” and “beauty” advice that they publish was terribly unstylish.
Sadly, the international editions are no better, though I’ll admit that the Philippine edition does give good beauty advice.
July 5th, 2012 at 4:04 pm
Such vacuousness is troubling, indeed. Just two days ago the Mimi was at first laughing at the stupidity of sex advice dished out by Cosmo, Maxim, and Men’s Health (http://jezebel.com/5922893/36-terrible-sex-tips-for-men). But then she took on the role of “cranky old woman” when it occurred to her that such advice teaches that intimacy is a mere mechanical act and that manipulation via little tricks is the way to achieve it—and that there seems to be a lack of credible and socially savvy sources to teach what real intimacy is, and how to sustain it.
July 5th, 2012 at 4:42 pm
Well said. As is common now, the Manolo makes reference to the aphorisms of Don Colacho, who said…
“Ages of sexual liberation reduce to a few spasmodic shouts the rich modulations of human sensuality.”
July 5th, 2012 at 6:23 pm
Years ago I was grocery shopping with my then-elementary school-age children. While we were stuck in line they were eye level with the current issue of Cosmo. They still cringe at the memory of Mommy reading the headlines to the store manager in her “outside voice,” followed by the stern suggestion that perhaps there was another place to stock the magazine where children couldn’t see it. Which suggestion was also made in a letter to the president of the grocery store chain, along with an assurance that I would be warning all the friends in my contacts list (which was basically the school directory) what to expect if they shopped at his store. Problem (mostly) solved, and the checkers still greet me by name.
July 5th, 2012 at 6:54 pm
The suit…oh, the suit. I was instantly reminded of Pee Wee Herman.
July 5th, 2012 at 9:03 pm
” …. and draws all her “u’s” in shape of vulvas.”
Damn you’re good….
The Cosmo woman also does not know the difference between her vagina and her vulva (or anyone else’s for that matter…).
July 6th, 2012 at 3:42 pm
Kisses for your kind words, dear lady.
July 5th, 2012 at 9:14 pm
If she actually bought books, she wouldn’t have time to read Cosmo.
PS. Channing who?
July 5th, 2012 at 11:47 pm
I love the cranky old Manolo! Keep it up.
July 6th, 2012 at 3:43 pm
Yes, it is true, the new and improved Manolo is strangely the old and cranky Manolo.