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Manolo the Columnist: Red Carpet Kelli from E! Live

Manolo says, here is the latest column of the Manolo for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

My junior prom is coming up, and I’ve decided that rather than look like a Disney fairy princess or a high-class prostitute I want to try to be more elegant and restrained in a little black dress that’s not too short. I need some shoes that add color, and because I’m in high school so money is an issue.

Sophie

Manolo says, ayyyy! How well the Manolo remembers his own high school prom at the Our Lady of the Flaming Spleen Country Day School (whose motto remains “The wrathful word turneth away evil”). As expected the Manolo turned out in his finest finery, the frock coat, striped trousers, silken waistcoat, top hat, spats and his finest walking stick, which, the truth be told, was not that different from what he normally wore to school each day.

Because the Manolo was the fashion reporter for the school newspaper, it was his job to stand on the red carpet and interview the most splendiferous couples as they arrived in the rented limousines, dressed in the ill-fitting tuxedos and polyester hoochie-mama gowns.

“Ayyy! You look fabulous darling. Who is this you are wearing? Fernando of Tulsa? It is smashing, this combination of rhinestones and pink rayon!”

Here is the Red Carpet Kelli from the E! Live, in the gold metallic that will enliven the simple black dress in the exactly correct way to distinguish one from the crowd.

Red Carpet Kelli

Up All Night to Get Lucky

Manolo says, because, sometimes, even the Russians are amusing.

Manolo the Columnist: Salsa from Badgley Mischka

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

I am getting married in four weeks and I would love to have my “something blue” be my shoes but have been unable to find anything. Do you have any suggestions? I should mention that I’m already way over budget, so something not overly expensive would be best.

Diana

Manolo says, frankly, the Manolo finds his friend Diana’s insouciance about her wedding shoes the refreshing change from the usual bridal missives the Manolo receives, many which begin, “Manolo, there are only thirteen months until the big day, and I am frantic…”

Too often the preparation for the wedding day has become like the military campaign, as the ravening hordes of planners, designers, decorators and their camp followers fan out across the countryside, stripping it bare of its resources and plundering the parental bank accounts. This is why, at their approach, the sensible peoples take refuge behind the stout walls and stiff drinks, fighting the defensive battle to keep control of one’s sanity and purse. But too often, the battlements are stormed, and the forces of moderation are overwhelmed by the silk taffeta dresses from the big name designers and the surf and turf at $95 the plate.

This is why the Manolo is always glad to hear from the people who are not caught in the grip of wedding war fever, baying for expensive blood from the turnip. And which is why the Manolo is happy to recommend the Salsa from the Badgley Mischka in the light blue satin color called “glacier”.

Salsa from Badgley Mischka

Manolo the Columnist: Carina from Castañer

Manolo says, here is the recent column of the Manolo for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

I’ve got a destination beach wedding to go to soonish, and I was wondering if you could recommend any close-toed, preferably close-heeled, wedge espadrilles that aren’t too expensive and could be worn to a company picnic or a night on the town? Or, in the alternative, any other close-toed, close-heeled shoe that can survive a couple hours of sand and seawater and isn’t a Croc? Because I just don’t do sandals, and I refuse to let the sand ruin my nice work shoes.

Mary

Manolo says, ayyy! It is the same old dilemma! Soonish, the beach wedding at the destination will be upon us, and we shall be compelled by convention and custom to uncover our unsightly toes — toes that look as if they should be attended to by the emergency team of large animal veterinarians, armed with the stout rasps and the industrial hedge clippers—the uncovering of which will cause the other guests, such as the teeny flower girls and the elderly aunts, to cry out and recoil in horror, and after which we shall be forever known as the guests who, quote, “ruined Madison and Kyle’s wedding in Panama City with their toes.”

But, we have devised the clever plan to avoid that embarrassing eventuality. We shall locate the espadrilles with the wedge heel which will cover our gnarly secret shame and render their power to destroy the random social events inert.

It is foolproof!

Look! Here, from the Spanish company Castañer is the Carina, the simple and attractive wedge-heel espadrille. It is available in the variety of happy colors at their website. The Manolo prefer the yellow for the beach.

Carina from Castaner

Have A Nice Day

Manolo says, because the Japanese are amusing!

Manolo the Columnist: Macee from Sigerson Morrison

Manolo says, here is the column of the Manolo in the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

Over the past fourteen months I’ve lost nearly 90 pounds, and have finally reached my goal weight. I’m going to reward myself now with a new sexier wardrobe, and, of course, a new pair of shoes. Please help me find something suitable for the new me.

Erin

Manolo says, ayyyy! Congratulations on this significant achievement. The Manolo indeed knows how difficult it is to fight (and lose) the Battle of the Bulging Spare Tire Around the Middle Parts of The Body.

Sadly, the Manolo has not only been genetically cursed with the un-svelte body of Falstaffian proportions, but he has long had the robust and epicurean appetites, meaning that he enjoys the double helpings of his stuffed doormouses and honeyed hummingbird tongues, often with the cream sauce. Worse, far worse, the Manolo’s idea of exercise is the languorous stroll around the farmer’s market, and the vigorous sipping of Kir Royales at the sidewalk café, followed by the afternoon nap, the set of activities he refers to as “crosstraining”.

This is why when the Manolo has gone on the diet, he has often sought out the role models, the person whose body the Manolo wishes he had. Of course, the Manolo will never be as thin, or as buff as the Hollywood star. Thus, at moment, his current “thinspiration” is Henry VIII, whom the Manolo considers to have the achievable body type.

Here is the Macee from the Sigerson Morrison, the sexy, cutout suede peep-toe booty in the black, perfect for the new you!
Macee-Sigerson-Morrison

Manolo the Columnist: Demi from Coach

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

Can you recommend a pair of office-suitable flats for the impoverished working girl who’s just started her first job?

Erika

Manolo says, as always the Manolo gives the same advice, to not purchase the cheap shoes of suffering and pain, made from the dubious petroleum-and-asbestos-based products that is advertised as being “leather-like”, but to save the moneys and invest them in the high quality shoes of great comfort and super fantasticness. For it is the well-known fact that beautiful shoes that are well-made and fit properly will make you stand up straighter and feel more confident, which will, in the turn, make your bosses recognize you as someone with whom to be reckoned.

And yet, how well the Manolo knows what it is like to be the impoverished young working person. Indeed, when the Manolo began his career in the shoe industry, so many years ago, as the eleven-year-old Second Assistant Shoeshine Boy in the shop of the Mercurio Albornoz y Bahamonde, he was paid in empty aluminum cans, lunchroom leftovers, and whatever spare change fell from the pockets of the customers. (Oh, you should have seen the magnificent scramble whenever the 100-peseta coin struck the ground!)

Thus, the Manolo sympathizes with his friends who find themselves working for The Man for wages that would not support the pigeon who lived rough in the park. Here is the Demi from Coach, the two-toned ballet flat which is on the sale for $99!

demi-from-coach

Manolo the Columnist: Laurance Cage Sandals from Christians Louboutin

Dear Manolo,

Not only is weather here abominable, but worse my boyfriend won’t be able to get back from Atlanta in time for Valentine’s Day. Can you please, please suggest some shoes that will cheer me up.

Monica

Manolo says, just the mere two weeks ago, the Manolo was mocking the apocalyptic prognostications of the weather people, and now, ayyyyy! The real Snowpocalypse his finally here! And now, the Manolo is regretting his insouciance.

Although, one must admit that it that the current situation is very much like the fairy tale of the Weatherboy who cried Winter Storm Wolf. If every little flurry of flakes is greeted with the shouts of panicked trepidation, then when the real storms of ice arrive we all be out on the roads, where we will encounter the fellow drivers who have only recently arrived from exotic places such as Equatorial Guinea and Miami, where ice is merely theoretical.

At that point, after you have abandoned your car in the ditch along side the road and are trudging home through three miles of ice and snow in your flip-flops, because you had rushed out at the last minute to buy the extra feathers for your down comforter, you will be drawing up elaborate plans of revenge on the entire class of weather people, involving ice floes, arctic seas and the hungry, hungry polar bears.

Look! Here is the Laurence leather cage, lace-up sandals from the Christian Louboutin, in the beautiful riviera blue, because, of the course, the French Riviera is where you would rather be.

Laurance Cage Sandals from Louboutin

Manolo the Columnist: Wallace from Belle by Sigerson Morrison

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

Valentine’s Day is coming up and it also happens to be my nephew’s birthday. My sister is throwing a big bash in his honor and said the attire is “whimsical yet casual” I like wedges but have small feet, What do you suggest?

Elizabeth

Manolo says, ayyyy! The Dia de San Valentin, it approaches! Woe unto the man who neglects his duty to provide for his beloved the items of sufficient quality, cost, and/or sentimentality to properly express his undying affection.

If you are at the loss for what to give, the Manolo suggests costly chocolates, whose cocoa has been delivered to the master-hipster chocolatier’s Brooklyn atelier by the labor-intensive and ecologically-sound modes of transportation, such the windjammer and the cargo bicycle, where it is mixed with finest heirloom ingredients, its mature and complex flavors swathed in luxury, and then lovingly urged into antique heart-shaped molds, plucked out at the exact moment and packaged in the hand-made letterpress box decorated with old-fashionedy 19th century lettering.

Or, you can do the same thing you did the last year, give to your fine lady the single red rose, procured from the $1.99 “Last Minute Valentines” bin at the Quik-Mart while you are filling the Honda Civic with fuel and yourself with Mountain Dew and beef jerky.

Or, you can do as the Manolo’s friend has done and give the whole love thing the pass, and go to the child’s birthday party. It sounds more sensible.

Here is the Wallace from the Belle by Sigerson Morrison, the moderately whimsical, moderately practical wedge heel shoe.

Wallace from Belle by Sigerson Morrison

Manolo the Columnist: Cate the Great Deco from Sorel

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

This series of polar vortexes has left me very disgruntled and cold footed. I need a pair of winter boots, and I need them right now. Can you please recommend something serious but with a little flair.

Shanna

Manolo says, the Manolo has noticed that, thanks to the omnipresent hunt for the television ratings, we now live in the era of weather hysteria, when every dip or rise in the temperature, every summer shower or light snowstorm is greeted by the telegenic weather peoples as if it were the impending asteroid strike. The worst of the lot is the Weather Channel, which used to be the boring but sensible provider of climatological information, but is now in the mass panic business, to the point that they are giving names to the ordinary winter storms as if they were the hurricanes.

“Tonight as winter storm Attila the Death-Bringer hammers the area with up to two inches of concentrated white murder, and howling winds of fifteen miles an hours, temperatures will dip into the extinction event zone, falling below the point at which water, itself, ceases to flow, turning the tri-state area into a colorless wasteland of ice and death.”

So, you get up early the next morning, eager to greet the end of the world, only to find that it is 26 degrees, and your neighbor Murry, who is so nice, has already swept the light-dusting of concentrated murder from the sidewalk with the push broom.

Here is the Cate the Great Deco from Sorel, the serious sassy winter boot that, for some reason, makes the Manolo smile.

Cate the Great from SOREL

Manolo the Columnist: Clayton from Joie

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column for he Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

I’m very tall, 5’11” to be specific, and for most of my life (I’m now 29) I’ve avoided wearing heels so that I don’t tower over others in the crowd. However, I’ve decided that I’m now confident enough to try to look a little more glamorous when I go out. What would you recommend? How high is too high a heel?

Michelle

Manolo ask, how high the heel? The Manolo answers, how high the moon!

Every few of the months, the Manolo gets the question from the tall girl asking permission to wear the tall heels, as if the Manolo were the world authority on the social life of the vollyball players and super models. The implicit question is always the same, will the shorty boys not like being with the tally girls, who are the head-and-bosom statuesque over them?

And every few of the months the Manolo gives the same answer, which is the same thing he says to all the girls, fat, thin, short, or tall, stop slumping, stand up straight, throw back the shoulders, and wear the heels if you want. Few things are more appealing than good posture and self-confidence.

Who cares what the insecure men will think? Any man who would feel threatened by the young woman because she is too tall is the man whose opinion is perhaps not worth the consideration.

Here is the Clayton from Joie,, the provocative, suede, 3¾ inch peep-toe with the ankle ties that will be perfect for those little-black-dress functions where the tall girls are appreciated.

Clayton from Joie

Manolo the Columnist: Cutout Python Sandals from Alexandre Birman

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column from the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

It’s the middle of January, the weather has been abominable, and my job is dreary. Everyday, I feel like I’m slogging through a gray fog. Can you please, please, show me a pair of super fantastic shoes to cheer me up until the sun returns?

Sarah

Manolo says, it is true! In the depths of the deepest winter we find ourselves wondering why our best friend the sun has betrayed us, becoming distant, his smile giving no warmth. Worse, we hear from other peoples that he is out partying down with all sorts of peoples in places like Melbourne and Rio de Janeiro, while we sit here on the sofa with the oversized mug of hot cocoa, with double extra marshmallows, watching Lena Dunham look uncomfortable in various ill-fitting outfits.

Oh , how we long to text the message to our former BFF, Sol.

“Were u @, bro?”

And if he truly cared about us, he would text us back.

“Chillax, holmes. Taking care of sum bidness down south. Back in few wks.”

But that is not really enough to fully assuage our jealousy, for we know that Sol is the ultimate party person. Wherever he goes there will be the hot girls in bikinis and the buff boys in the tighty-tight swim trunks.

In such dolorous moments, experience has taught us that our greatest comfort will be the beautiful shoes. Here is the cutout python sandals from Alexandre Birman, the super fantastic fantasy shoe that will spread warmth to all who gaze upon it’s magnificence.

Alexandre Birman cutout python pups

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