Manolo asked, whose shoes?

Manolo answers, it is the Sylvester Stallone!

Congratulations to the Manolo’s internet friend, the Victor, who was the first to correctly identify this week’s celebrity palooka of note.

And now, the Manolo takes this moment to remind you that 30 years ago, Sylvester Stallone was objectively beautiful.

Sylvester Stallone, Style Icon? Yes, it is true. He was!

It is strange, but the Manolo remembers the early 1980s as being the era of lamentable clothings, and yet, while watching again the 1981 Sylvester Stallone movie Nighthawks, with Billy Dee Williams, Rutger Hauer, the Manolo was struck by just how attractive the costumes were.

The Empress Ming the Merciless prepares to give birth to the new age of despotism!

Indeed, the Manolo is only half joking, for as the more he watched the Madonna-tacular show of the halftime, the more he was struck by the unshakeable impression that this was the sort of Nuremberg Rally for the new age of crass narcissism aborning.

Beginning with its imperial fanfare and militaristic pomp, progressing through the forced adoration of the Glorious Leader (L-U-V Madonna! L-U-V Madonna!), and culminating in her apotheosis as the goddess and chief priestess of her own cult of personality, Madonna was urging on us nothing less than her hegemonistic vision of the Madonna-based future.

“My name is Madonna, queen of queens:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”

Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Manolo says, steward, when you are done escorting Ms. Wittstock to her table will you please bring the Manolo the gin rickey.

Following her incident with an Italian police car yesterday, nugget sized Snooki of deplorable MTV Jersey Shore “fame” was photographed today wearing a neck brace to accompany her hideous ensemble and unfortunately she couldn’t find one big enough to cover her entire face and body.

Snooki and her co-star Deena got into a minor traffic accident on the streets of Florence, which shockingly according to police reports involved no alcohol. Snookie was apparently driving a vehicle (sitting on what I can only assume was a child’s booster seat, seeing as I find it hard to believe she could see above the steering wheel) and rear ended a police car in front of them that was escorting the talented and fame worthy celebrities to their filming destination. While there was no arrests made and the two suffered no injuries, Snookie decided to play it up today with the addition of a neck brace. BUT only for the cameras. Snookie reportedly removed the neck brace between takes, because I can only assume when you fake an injury it’s annoying to wear  supportive medical supplies.

But let’s face it, the real crime here (other than the fact Snooki is in the public eye at all) are her fuzzy Ugg boots. They make her look like some sort of pudgy show poodle that desperately needs to be put down. The fact that those things are allowed to be sold and worn in public is a true tragedy. Not to mention the function of providing warmth is completely null and void seeing as it is currently warm in Italy! Wearing them isn’t even practical, thus, there is no excuse. If she is going to get away with a fender bender and causing minor injuries to two police officers, she at least needs to be arrested or fined for committing rape against my eyes.

Manolo says, since the Manolo rarely watches The View, he can only imagine…

Scene: The View

Joy: No!

Gaga: Get out of here!

Baba: Yes, it’s true. He was a magnificent specimen of a man, ultimately tragic, but in his prime…

Joy: It’s not possible.

Gaga: !

Baba: Oh, we were so in love. And just between us girls, the love making was spectacular. Sometimes five, six, seven times a night.

Joy: I’m speechless

Gaga: !

Baba: It’s true, when I hear that song he wrote for me, I get…

Joy: Wait, wait, he wrote a song for you. It’s not the song, is it.

Gaga: I love that song. It’s an inspiration to me.

Baba: Yes, that song.

Joy: No way!

Gaga: !

Baba: (sings softly) “She’s a very kinky girl, the kind you don’t take home to mother…”

The Dixie Chicks haven’t been in the public eye in quite some time…and apparently for good reason. The Chick’s lead singer Natalie Maines popped up at the premiere of the newest Pirates of The Caribbean movie (Really? Another one?) looking frumpy and unimpressive. Cowboy take her away indeed. Far, far away.

Oh the mundanity! Maybe the trench could have worked in a different context, other than the saggy pocket which I can only assume is filled with car keys, saltine packets, snot covered tissues and a juice box (or perhaps golden treasure?). This look screams “suburban mom after a spending spree at Kohls”. White capri pants, Natalie? Unless they are some homage to the pantaloons worn by pirates of yore, they are simply unacceptable. Overall, she looks stumpy, dowdy, and fit for an Outlet Mall. Which coincidentally was probably the last location I heard a Dixie Chicks song.

An Epic Journey of Discovery, and Fried Chicken.

Manolo says, from the Guardian:

It may well be the most outlandish road trip since the wheel was invented: a cross-country dash featuring Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jackson and Marlon Brando, in the aftermath of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. The trio reportedly took turns driving, with Brando allegedly fueling himself on a diet of junk food.

Details of the trip emerged in a Vanity Fair interview with Tim Mendelson, Taylor’s former personal assistant. It came about after Jackson invited the two Hollywood actors to be his guests at a pair of concerts at New York’s Madison Square Garden in early September 2001. Following the attacks on the World Trade Centre and the subsequent grounding of all internal flights, the trio were forced to find alternative transport back to the west coast. Mendelson claims they wound up driving a modest rental car all the way to Ohio – a distance of more than 500 miles.

The Journey: A Play in One Act

Scene I: Somewhere in western New Jersey, a 1998 Ford Taurus GL speeds down the highway. Michael Jackson is driving, Marlon Brando is in the front passenger’s seat, Elizabeth Taylor in the back.

Elizabeth: I’m not pouting.

Marlon: (rolls eyes dramatically)

Elizabeth: It’s a matter of fairness and respect. After all, I am Dame Elizabeth Taylor.

Marlon: (sighs theatrically)

Elizabeth: I don’t care about your “rules”. (makes air quotes) If you were a gentlemen, you’d let me sit in the front, that’s all I have to say…if you were a gentleman, you’d let me sit in the front.

Marlon: (turning to Michael). You heard me say it, didn’t you Bubbles?

Michael: (hunched over, his knuckles gripped tightly around the wheel, says nothing.)

Elizabeth: Well, I did not hear you say it.

Marlon: (grimaces energetically)

Elizabeth: You said nothing. You just walked up, jerked open the door and got in. You left me standing there with my luggage, fifteen pieces of custom Vuitton, in the parking lot at Hertz. You said nothing. You just got in the front seat.

Marlon: You heard me say it.

Elizabeth: No, I did not.

Marlon: You heard it.

Elizabeth: No.

Marlon: You heard me say it, and I know you did. But if it makes you happy, I’ll say it again: (shouts) SHOTGUN! Shotgun! Shotgun! Shotgun!

Elizabeth: (pouts in stunned silence)

Michael: (quietly) Uh oh. I think I just missed the turn.

.

Scene II: Drive through window, KFC, East Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania. Marlon is driving, Liz is sitting in the front passenger seat, Michael, wrapped in a blanket like E.T. is huddled in the back.

Marlon: (speaking into intercom): And a chicken poppers Happy Meal with a milk.

KFC Cashier: (from intercom) For a boy or a girl.

Marlon: A boy.

Michael: Wait, ask what the toy is.

Marlon: What’s the toy?

KFC Cashier: Batman for the boys, Powerpuff Girls for the girls.

Michael: Powerpuff Girls!

Marlon: A girls meal, please.

KFC Cashier: Okay, I’ve got a 10-piece Original Recipe, a 10-piece Extra Crispy, A grilled chicken sandwich with no mayo, a large side of mashed-potatoes and gravy, a large side of cole slaw, a dozen biscuits, an extra large Coke, and a Girls Kids Meal with a milk. Is that it?

Marlon: Are you sure you don’t want anything, Liz?

(more…)

Today, when something monumental happens, it is standard practice to turn to the world wide web for a personal outlet of one’s commentary, usually via facebook, twitter or personal blogs. However, when it came to the announcement of Osama Bin Ladin’s confirmed death, Americans chose a different route: the official YouTube video for Miley Cirus’s pop anthem “Party in the USA”.

The chorus of the song does claim “Yeah, there’s a party in the USA”, while the rest of the lyrics paint a picture of a Southern girl visiting L.A., nervous about fitting in, her fears are immediately put to rest when she hears her favorite song on the radio.

Not exactly the same storyline of our country struggling to find and conquer a common enemy, but apparently many in the American public need only to spot the words “party” and “U.S.A” together in order to spark their sense of pride. The slew of comments include remarks like “USA! USA!” and “Playing this because Osama is dead. Proud to be an American!”. Check out the string of comments for yourself Americans chose a different route here.

While I don’t fully understand the choice of this particular song, I think it’s great that a silly Pop song can unite Americans and allow a place for celebrations of togetherness and commemorations for lost loved ones. Dare I say way to go Miley? I guess Pop music really can save the world….one terrible overproduced beat at a time.

Metrosexul Anglophile

Yes, the Manolo said it: the Royal Wedding Killed Osama bin Laden!

As the Manolo pointed out nearly four years ago, the Osama bin Laden was the metrosexual who dyed his beard and paid overly fastidious attention to his grooming.

And, it is the well known fact that the Osama bin Laden wished to live in England, and was the supporter of the Arsenal football club, which is the favorite club of both the Queen Elizabeth and the Prince Harry.

We are also informed, that the luxurious home in which the terrorist stayed (under the very nose of the Pakistani military) was not equipped with either the phone connection or the internet.

And so the Manolo asks you, what metrosexual Anglophile would miss the Royal Wedding?

“Ahmad, call Comcast to have the cable hooked up. By the Beard of the Prophet I shall not miss the nuptials of that infidel Prince William to the delicious Miss Middleton.”

“But, oh Leader of the Faithful, are not the enemies of righteousness everywhere with their spies, even unto the offices of the cable company?”

“Silence, dog! I shall have news of the Windsors!”

She's smiling because she knows...

Manolo says, there is nothing sadder at the pet shop than the puppies who never get taken home.

(more…)

Manolo says, today at Manolo for the Brides, our friend Christa Terry (a.k.a. Never teh Bride) is all about the wedding dress. While at the Manolo for the Beauty, Glinda discusses the Kate Middleton makeup.

Manolo asked, whose shoes?

Manolo answers, it is the Raquel Welch!

Congratulations to the Manolo’s internet friend the always delightful Rondi, who was first to correctly identify this week’s va-va-va-voomish personality of note.

P.S. This picture above is from last year, shortly before the Raquel Welch’s 70th birthday.