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Bad Fashion | Manolo's Shoe Blog - Part 2
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Dixie Ick

The Dixie Chicks haven’t been in the public eye in quite some time…and apparently for good reason. The Chick’s lead singer Natalie Maines popped up at the premiere of the newest Pirates of The Caribbean movie (Really? Another one?) looking frumpy and unimpressive. Cowboy take her away indeed. Far, far away.

Natalie Maines Pirates Premiere

Oh the mundanity! Maybe the trench could have worked in a different context, other than the saggy pocket which I can only assume is filled with car keys, saltine packets, snot covered tissues and a juice box (or perhaps golden treasure?). This look screams “suburban mom after a spending spree at Kohls”. White capri pants, Natalie? Unless they are some homage to the pantaloons worn by pirates of yore, they are simply unacceptable. Overall, she looks stumpy, dowdy, and fit for an Outlet Mall. Which coincidentally was probably the last location I heard a Dixie Chicks song.

Princess Beatrice’s Hat

How much is that Beatrice in the window?

Manolo says, there is nothing sadder at the pet shop than the puppies who never get taken home.

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Xtina is First Gay Walk of Fame Inductee

Christina Gay Walk of Fame

Christina Aguilera got Dirrty last week as she was the first inductee for West Hollywood’s new Gay Walk of Fame. Forget her hands and feet, what should be covered in mud is this ensemble. Corsets and feathers and pleather, oh my! It’s like a 1920’s prostitute meets trashy 90’s lingerie (other stars who have tried this look include Rose Mcgowen and Dita Von Teese…thus this can be dubbed the “Marilyn Manson bait” look).

I know Christina has always pushed the class-less boundaries with her fashion sense (just Google “assless chaps”, you’ll find her) and therefore I shouldn’t even raise an eyebrow at this tragedy, but she is a mother now! I say she should just stick to ripping off Lady Gaga because then at least her scantily clad body would have a bit more art involved. Regardless, much like an awful car crash, she has captured my attention and I simply can’t look away.

Nickelodeon Understands Great Role Models

Johnny Deoo Kids Choice 2011

Johnny Depp was a presenter over the weekend at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards and during his time on stage he proceeded to blow massive loads of green slime all over adoring children fans. Nothing wrong with that. Nope, not one bit. After all, it’s the innocence and naivety of children’s television shows and stars that make a rather suggestive act perfectly acceptable.

Right?

For example, take a look at teen star Taylor Momsen posing on the red carpet at the Kids Choice Awards:

Taylor Momsen Kids Choice 2011
The 17 year old starlet, also a presenter at the awards show, showed up looking appropriately bright eyed and innocent for the underage event. With her thick heavy black eyeliner, trashy extensions, and passive air of nonchalance, she is a prefect role model for today’s youth. The leather jacket and flimsy white tank work well with her black skinny jeans to construct a classic vampire-stripper-off-duty look. And the peeping fishnets that lead into those patent platforms are fit for a Suicide Girl.  Why, she’s a glowing gem that any pre-teen hunk would love to bring home to mom.

In all seriousness, I’m just pleased that she put on a pair of pants for once.

The typical Momsen ensemble almost always includes a garter belt, some sort of corset top and platform heels. The fact that this look is considered “classing it up” for her is simply disturbing. People are commending her for this “improvement” whereas I just think she needs to be grounded until she gets an attitude adjustment. She is 17! And her fans are probably younger!

It’s teen stars like this that make Rebecca Black seem like a very viable option for the spotlight.

Signs That Things Are Not Well in the World

N.B. The Manolo’s friend, The Legatrix, who always makes the Manolo laugh, offers us nothing but portents of doom.

The Manolo has been gently scaring us straight with his series of blog posts, The Death of Civilization. In that spirit, I offer you a variation on a theme.

You see, I have a theory. Okay, I have several theories, but this is the one doesn’t involve Soviet vodka, rhesus monkeys, and Vaseline.

Certain fashion trends portend widespread cultural decline. I don’t care whether it comes riding in with the Visigoths or on a wave of Stagflation, nothing says “stock up on canned food and good books because the Kardashians are in charge” like bad fashion trends.

Case in point: the Bad Perm.

Julia Titi Flavia

Julia Titi Flavia

This is the kind of hair you have when your dad just sacked Jerusalem, shacked up with a Jewish Princess, and decided to fix you up with your uncle. Oh, and Rome has just been through four emperors in one year. (On the up side, none of them was Nero.)

And we all know that no good came of the Seventies except for Donna Summer. And fondue parties.

Barbara Streisand goes perm

Babs!!!!!

But lest you think the bad perm is a singularly female vice, consider Charles II of England. Sure, Chuck, you may primp that mane to make it more difficult for the executioner to find your neck, like he did your dad’s, but do you know what that coiffure really is? It’s a cry for help. London is burning, everybody is coming down with the Plague, and you’ve got more mistresses than you can possibly afford.

Charles II, By the Grace of God, King of England, Ireland, Scotland, and Jheri Curl

Odds fish what an ugly fellow I am.

At times like these, there’s only one thing to do: put on your tight pants and get a little Super Freaky.

I'm Rick James, Bitch.

Rick James has a Sexual Luv Affair for you.

Botas del Baile Tribal

Manolo says, according to the Univision the pointy toed boots have begun to appear in Dallas!

Here below, for your edification, are the photos of the evolutionary stages that preceded the current fluorescence.

First the diversity of the color and the lengthening of the silhouette…

Then the toes achieve the exaggerated state and begin to turn up…

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Botas Exóticas: Pointy-Toes, Poulaines, and Male Display

Chuntaros and their Botas Exoticas

Manolo says, from the Vice Magazine comes news of the hot fashion trend emanating from the rural backwaters of northern Mexico.

Last month we went to the dusty city of Matehuala, Mexico, in the northern state of San Luís Potosí on the high plateau of the Huasteca Potosina, in search of the pointiest long-toed cowboy boots ever made. Over the past year, the botas vaqueras exóticas phenomenon has overrun the rodeo dance floors and clubs of this area, much to the dissatisfaction of Mexicans who critique the fashions of their countrymen on hotly trafficked style blogs.

[…]

Participants in these dance contests spend the days and weeks prior choreographing intricate footwork routines and fabricating their own outfits with cheap paint and fabric. The grand prize, beyond the enthusiastic crowd’s affection, is either a bottle of whiskey or a few bucks.

A separate contest, we were pleased to discover, is held for the longest, most ornate and pointed boots, which are also spotlighted in public song-and-dance programs. The exotic boots are made by modifying boring normal ones with materials bought in local hardware and craft stores. The fanciest are adorned with LED lights or mirrors, while others incorporate paint and every color of sequins. They all get the glitter treatment no matter what. It was explained to us that some boots have measured upward of five feet in length.

Here is the video of the botas in action…

Are they not marvelous in their horrifying and ridiculous way?

Of the course, these exotic boots of the cowboys are nothing more than the happenstance revival of the medieval poulaine, the pointy-toed shoe favored by chivalrous swains who wished to make the not-so-subtle erotic display; “perhaps the most blatantly sexual and pornographic shoe style ever worn,” says the writer William Rossi.

Clearly, these young vaqueros are wearing their botas, and doing their peacock dances in the hopes of attracting attention and chicas, just as the medievals, we are told, would waggle their pointy toes at the pretty women.

And now, allow the Manolo to make one more cultural leap, and present to you the video of yet another subculture preparing for the display of dance. Please to pay attention to the boots, not the hair…

Japanese rockabilly dancers wearing winklepicker motorcycle boots secured with the electricians tape!

Do not ask the Manolo to explain, he cannot.

Aubrey O’Day has Good Taste

And here we see miss Aubrey O’Day at the premiere of her new Oxygen reality show All About Aubrey (a program I can only imagine is going to be both titillating and inspiring). 

Oh heavens, where to begin. First, I applaud her for the effort to draw attention away from her face ( made entirely out of fondant these days) with an “eye catching” outfit, something she tossed together at the very last minute by scrounging through a Frederick’s of Hollywood sales rack.

But those shoes…

Unless someone is planning on making a parody of the Spice Girl’s “Wannabe” music video, I feel that shoes this obscene and this pink should be banned for any feet that don’t plan on being wrapped around a pole for a few hours.

N.B. The Manolo has asked his friend Trisha Marie to help him from time to time.


Masculinity Redefined: The Ex-Girlfriend Jean

Levis Ex-Girlfriend Jean

Manolo says, from Levis

Remember the girlfriend with the great style? Here’s a tribute to her — a fit that’s super-snug allover, an update of the five-pocket classic that’s as skinny as it gets.

The bad news is that she dumped you for the manly man who looks like the lumberjack and wears the classic 501s.

The good news is that the Levi-Strauss Company feels your pain, Emo Boy.

You know who would like these ridiculous pantaloons?

This person…

Via.

The Worst of the Globes of Gold!

Manolo says, in general, it was hard to find much serious fault with the outfits that this year graced the carpet of red at the Globes of Gold.

However…

Katey Sagal at the Golden Globes in Douglas Hannant

Ayyyy! She just got the new sewing machine!

Did the Peg Bundy sew this herself?

.

Sandra Bullock at the Golden Globes in Jenny Packham

Shaggy Do!

No one wishes to say anything bad about America’s Most Wronged Sweetheart, but all the Manolo can think is, where is Sonny, 1967 Cher?

.

Christina Aguilera at the Golden Globes in Zuhair Murad

Salaciously Trashy.

It is the elderly Mae West!

No, it is just Christina Aguilera, fallen from the great height and landing with the splat in early drag-queen middle age.

.
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Forever Lazy

Forever Lazy Pajamas

Pair With Crocs for Evening Wear Look.

Manolo says, yes, it has come to this. For the people who believe that readjusting the Snuggie when you move from the Barcolounger to the mobility scooter is too much work, comes the Forever Lazy, described as :”the one piece, lie around, lounge around, full body lazy wear!” (Please note that the exclamation mark is in the original, apparently the punctuational celebration of sloth rewarded.)

Put on the Crocs, and head out for the night on the town…Walmart, Applebys, Chuck E. Cheese. The world is your oyster!

Or, stay in and make the sloppy joes! Recline in front of the fire with the one you love; the romantic evening, just the two of you. When the Budweiserly nectar you have been sipping puts you and your partner in the mood, you shall really appreciate the front-and-back, double-zippered hatches!

The Forever Lazy Hatches

For Those Times When You Feel Romantic

Ayyyy! The guarantee of money back? Perfect! It is like the investment, even!

And now the Manolo must go back to bed, as it is raining and the Vandals are approaching Hippo.

P.S. Many thanks to the Manolo’s internet friend Anne for alerting him to this.

P.P.S. Please consider following the Manolo on Twitter and befriending him on the Facebook.

Fashion That Helps You Stand Out In the Crowd

Maison Martin Margiela Giant Fur Hat

'Art always serves beauty, and beauty is the joy of possessing form, and form is the key to organic life since no living thing can exist without it.' ~ Boris Pasternak

Manolo says, and now the Manolo asks you to reimagine the movie Dr. Zhivago

P.S. The price is right for Christmas giving!

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