N.B. Psychologists have proven what we already know, shoes tell us much about the wearer…

The Trinkletina from Irregular Choice, $145.

Manolo says, your life really changed for the better when you finally got enough money to have the full sleeve tattoo on your left arm colored in. Yes, it hurt like crazy for more than two weeks, but now all these cute young guys with mustaches and fedoras are giving you compliments on it.

It is of the geisha riding a Chinese-style dragon, wielding the broad sword, and looking very kick ass. You have named the geisha, “Trixie”, because you secretly wish that was your name, or at the least, your nickname. Trixie is so much cooler than “Jessica”.

If you had to characterize your style, you would say it was “eclectic-retro”, although it is not really that easy to find the 1940s clothing in your size (most of those girls were so tiny back then), so you mix and match, which is why you thought these shoes were so fun.

When asked, you admit to being 29, or “29 and one half” if you are being funny, but you have to be careful not to mention that you graduated from high school in 1997, because then people will do the addition in their heads. In your darker moments, when you’re alone in your tiny studio apartment, you realize this is sort of like how you call yourself the “mixologist”, when you’re really just the bartender who just pops open the cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and pours the shots of Jamesons.

That is how you met your last boyfriend, “Loser Bob”, who was the sort of free-lance bicycle repairman and scrap metal collector. Going with him for nearly two years was not the best decision you ever made.

But these shoes, wearing them really cheers you up.

N.B. Psychologists have proven what we already know, shoes tell us much about the wearer…

The Zuden-6 from Miss Me?, $39.99.

Manolo says, hi, you’re Courtney, and you are originally from Alabama, from like this little town halfway between Cullman and Gadsden, and you were the salutatorian of your high school class, but now, at Vandy, that doesn’t really count for much.

You know, it is just these sorority girls from Atlanta, who all have the blonde hair and drive BMWs. That, or acerbic Northern girls with dark hair, from places you’ve never heard of in New Jersey and Connecticut, who always seem despondent but aren’t.

You really, really, really tried to fit in last year, but it was super hard. Let me tell you, those sorority girls spend money. When the Nordstroms opened at Green Hills, the Tri-Delts were lined up around the block, like it was the new cupcake store, or something.

So, in November, you saved up the little bit from what Momma and Daddy send you each month, and you bought some new clothes for the Rush Week, this sort of reddish patterned dress from Forever 21, and these shoes, which look vaguely like what some of the girls were wearing last fall.

You knew weren’t going to get into TriDelt or Kappa Kappa Gamma, because, you know, that’s crazy talk. A) Daddy is the soybean farmer, not the banker, and B) despite what your PawPaw says, you are not “the most beautiful sugar lump in the whole wide world,” especially not since you put on ten of the freshman fifteen.

But, you thought you had the good chance at one of the other houses.

You didn’t, not really.

It was probably the shoes, you know, they weren’t that comfortable, and they actually weren’t what the other girls were wearing by January.

Strangely, you were not as upset about not being asked back as you thought you would be. Your classes went really well last year, and you had the great summer back home. You lost some weight, and two weeks at the Gulf Shoes put highlights in your hair and freckles on your face, which you think look cute.

This year should be great, right?

N.B. Psychologists have proven what we already know, shoe tell us much about the wearer…

The Kenley Lace from Promiscuous, $48.99.

Your stage name is Mercedes Luv, and you keep telling people that you are just doing this until you complete your phlebotomist certification.

Although, who are you kidding? Right?

On the good night you will bring home, what? $800, maybe more.

And you really need that money. Mama can’t help you, her back all messed up like that, and Krystal’s baby-daddy, Ronny, is off somewhere, doing something, sending only half what the state says you deserve.

So, each night, you get up on the stage, and dance, and take your clothes off, and men hand you money for doing that. But, it is not as bad as it sounds. You were a baton girl in high school, so you’re used to having people stare at you, and you figure you have only the couple more years before you will be too old to make any real money, and then you will have to quit, right?