Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

I have a question about shoe etiquette. I recently attended a funeral for a work acquaintance, and was shocked to see that many of the younger women present were wearing sandals. I’ve always assumed that this was inappropriate. Your thoughts?

Helen

Manolo says, frankly, the ways of the modern world continue to disappoint and frighten the Manolo, and nothing moreso than the casual manner in which we now treat all of the most important events in our lives.

All except for the weddings, that is, which are now routinely celebrated with bumptiously grandiose ceremonies worthy of the Mughal emperors. Unfortunately, everything else, from the weekly worship services, to the christenings, to the funerals, is attended by gangs of people dressed as if they were heading out for the day at the theme park, in khaki shorts, novelty t-shirts, sandals and fanny packs.

And although it is now no longer strictly necessary to wear the black clothing to the funerals, one should still always dress in the respectful manner, in modest clothing and muted colors, and with the closed-toe shoes on the feets. Leave the cleavage, both bosom and toe, for your next trip the disco. It is important to remember that you are not the focus of this event.

Here is the Court from Stuart Weitzman, the simple, respectful shoe, suitable for this solemn occasion.

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

Two years after a fairly painful divorce, I’ve decided that it’s time to get back out there and try again. In other words, I’m going out on a date with a gentleman I met online. (We’ve already met for coffee during the daylight hours, so the preliminaries are out of the way.) What I need for this date, however, is a good looking, feminine shoe with a bit of a heel, something that is not too overtly sexy. Please help.

Kristin

Manolo says, such are the mores and customs of the modern world! Once we relied upon the nosey neighborhood busybodies in colorful headscarves to find us our suitable mates.

“Ethel, I have found the perfect gentleman for your daughter,” said Mrs. Grabblefarb the Matchmaker, the stout woman who favored bright colors, and whom your mother most often encountered at the fishmonger’s shop.

“Oh, I do hope he’s better than the last one, Esther,” answered Mama, making reference to the recent attempt to pair you with the 54-year-old, never-married streetcar conductor.

“This one? He’s a podiatrist, and a widower. Such a catch,” she answered, fingering the large carp whose price had been greatly reduced.

Now, of the course, we rely upon computers to bring us outdated pictures of unknown peoples, safe in the knowledge that such advanced technology is clearly superior to the old ways.

Look! Here is the aptly named Secret Love from Nanette Lapore. Feminine and attractive without being crass.

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

I am defending my dissertation next month. In other words, I’ll be on my feet for two hours undergoing the academic version of the Spanish Inquisition! I need a beautiful, professional shoe with a WHOLE lot of support. Can you recommend something that will help me feel confident, yet comfortable?

Harmony

Manolo says, Huzzah! The triumphant culmination of your twenty-five years of education approaches!

And to think, all it took was seven years of living on ramen noodles, stomach acid, and library paste. That, and the massive student loans that will only be eradicated by the violent act of God, such as the meteor strike or the sun going super nova.

Of the course, there is one minor teeny detail that must be taken care of before you can join the rest of the underemployed adjuncts down at the hobo jungle: your dissertation defense!

Yes, these things are supposed to be the semi-formality, the friendly gathering of fond professors ushering their prize student into the academic afterlife. But then you remember that Professor X will be there. Professor X, the sworn enemy of your advisor, the person who has publicly vowed to see your beloved Dr. Sweetheart “burn in the fiery pits of Hades, tormented for all eternity by vengeful demons” (Who knew people could get so worked up about Emily Dickinson?)

Ah, well, at least you will have the handsome and comfortable shoes, because you will be wearing the Karolina from Kate Spade, in the beautiful camel tan patent finish.

Manolo says, the Manolo was doing his usual surfing through the online shoe stores (because that is the way the Manolo doth roll), when he came across these beautiful Alexander McQueen items, all of which are selling at more then the 50% off of the usual price.

These flitilicious little black, flat sandals are selling for more than 55% off of the regular price.

For the Manolo these creative high-heeled sandals, which are reduced over $700 from the regular price, are exactly what you might wear to your next semi-fancy evening soiree, where you would undoubtedly be the envy of all.

The Manolo does not know if last season’s trend for the over-the-knee, flat piratical boot will continue, or not, however, if you are intent on following that trend (despite perhaps sensible advice to the contrary), these Alexander McQueen flat boots are on the sale for 56% off of the regular price, the savings of over $900 of the American dollars!

(more…)

Manolo says, yes, yes, Wilma and Betty, etc, etc.

And yet, even as we acknowledge the debt designer Jeremy Scott has paid to the people at Hanna-Barbera, we must also note that these shoes, although amusing, are only half as amusing as they think they are.

For the Manolo, they are perhaps too obvious, the joke perhaps too labored. Or perhaps the real problem is that the Manolo wonders about the circumstances in which one could wear these peculiar shoes.

Part of what made the famous Marc Jacobs mouse shoes so wonderful was that they were casual shoes, which mean that one could safely enjoy their whimsicality without undermining one’s style choices. The problem with the bone heels is that the joke has been wedded with the more formal court shoes, and thus to find the occasion where their humor would be appropriate or welcome with your black dress and pearls would be difficult.

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

I’m working in a job that pays me far too little with far too little personal satisfaction, and while I know that in this economy I should be thankful to even have a job, I’m still dissatisfied. I’m especially unhappy that I can’t afford to wear better shoes to work. Please help me find something that’s both good-looking and affordable.

Megan

Manolo says, oh how the Manolo empathizes with his friend’s situation, for the Manolo himself has been more than once stuck in the menial job, laboring like the monkey for the handful of peanuts.

As the Manolo always recommends, you should save up your moneys so as to afford the truly super fantastic shoes, as few things feel as good as wearing amazing shoes.

But the Manolo also knows exactly what it is like to be poor, so poor that you must fashion your own super fantastic shoes out of dented hubcaps and pieces of rubber tire that you have gathered from along the verge of the highway and glued together with your own salty bitter tears.

Look, here is the Temptation from Circa Joan and David, the kitten-heeled pointy-toed pump that would look very smart at work for not too much moneys.

Manolo says, it is Monday and you are back at your desk doing that thing that you do, and what is up with the never ending weather.

Yes, it is winter, but that is no excuse for the abysmal weather which does not seem to relent, throwing you in the seasonally affected disorder which can only be alleviated by looking at beautiful shoes, such as these…

The Couture Bow Slingback Pumps from Valentino!

If this is not the cure the for the winter-time blues the Manolo does not know what is.

Manolo says, and so you need to go to the fancy-pantsy Holiday Ball in which the gentlemen will be in their best suits and the ladies will be dressed like countesses in the old MGM comedy.

What to wear on the feets? The Giula from Kate Spade!

Beautiful, restrained, elegant shoes, with the exact right amount of the alluringly peeping toes.

Manolo says, here is the ruffled-ankle-strap, peep-toe pump from Moschino in the brilliant red color that perfectly captures the festive spirit of the season!

Manolo says, it is Tuesday, and you are back at your desk, Christmas barreling down upon you like the runaway train filled with stocking stuffers and mistletoe.

You have tried to minimize the damage this year by doing much of your shopping on the computer, although you know, in your heart, that nothing is better than shoving your way through the crowds at Toys-R-Us and fist-fighting with the other parents for the last Mr. Squiggles Zhu Zhu Pets Hamster.

This struggle for the perfect gift is so atavistic, so primal, so brutal, so… jolly!

Sadly, all of this computer shopping has domesticated your annual holiday struggle, and frankly, although it has made your life less angsty, you still miss the combat.

What can you say. Ever since you were the little girl you have associated Christmas with knocking people down at the mall. Gary blames your mother.

“That woman,” he said one day as she drove away in her Cadillac Eldorado, striking the neighbor’s hedge, “is a menace.”

Yes, your mother is the menace.

But, in her favor, she fought purse-and-nail to make every Christmas the best ever. Indeed, your sister still has the Talky Crissy Doll she joyously unwrapped on Christmas morning, 1972, although, sadly, since early 1976, Crissy’s hair has been stuck in the Dorothy Hammill bob, unable to grow thanks to your attempts at giving her the makeover.

You know what? Maybe a quick trip to the mall wouldn’t hurt. Just pop in, shove the couple of shoppers to the ground, and pop out bearing the sack of presents.

Good times, good times.

Look, here is the beautiful Valentino Side Bow Peep-Toe Pumps to sooth your savage breast.

Manolo says, here is the Manolo latest column for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

I’ve been invited by my boyfriend to spend Thanksgiving with his family in rural Kentucky. This will be my first meeting with his “kinfolk,” and although I know he is exaggerating when he describes their country ways, as he himself is quite urbane, I’m still worried. What should I wear?

Meredith

Manolo says, the Manolo is sorry, but whenever he hears the words “kinfolk” and “Kentucky” he thinks of the movie entitled Next of Kin in which Bill Paxton, Liam Neeson, and the late Patrick Swayze play three hillbilly brothers from deepest Appalachia. (Even the Manolo, whose English is not so good, could tell that everybody was faking the accent. )

In any event, the Manolo takes away two important lessons about rural Kentucky from watching this piece of cinematic flapdoodle.

The first is do not mess with the kinfolks, lest the hillbillies come after you with their antique shotguns, crossbows, Bowie knives, and rattlesnakes.

The second is always be polite to the rural people, or as the great Monday Night Philosopher, Hank the Bocephus, Jr, says about the country boys, “We say grace and we say ma’am and if you ain’t into that we don’t understand.”

As for what to wear, the Manolo suggests the Betty T-Strap from Frye, as being the shoe sturdy enough for the country road, and yet not inappropriate for Thanksgiving dinner or the church on Sunday.

Manolo says, here are the pair of tastefully embellished gray suede pumps from the Roberto Cavalli that the Manolo thinks would be perfect for autumnal soiree.

As always, the Manolo is surprised when Cavalli chooses restraint..