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Manolo the Columnist: Vagibu by Manolo Blahnik

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo

Spring has sprung and my thoughts are turning to a sexy-but-not-too-bare cage sandal (bootie). I’d like to find something in a bronze or gold, but would consider beige as well. The problem is, most have heels 4″ or more, and I can’t go over 3″. Help!

Kelly

Manolo says, ayyyy! This is one of those insoluble questions, of the sort that the Manolo occasionally receives from his many friends.

“Manolo, can you find me the pair of super-sexy, strappy comfort sandals in which I may climb the Mountain of Kilimanjaro? I should mention that afterwards there will be the reception at the Palace of Buckingham where my fiancé, whom I shall refer to by the initials Prince H., will introduce me to his grandparents, so it would be good if these shoes were made of the stain-resistant, micro-fiber unobtainium in the color such lavender or peach, as I will not have enough time in the helicopter to change. Also, I am somewhat budget conscious, so if it is possible, could we keep the price under $17?”

Actually, the question of the Kelly is not so bad. It is difficult because the cage sandals are the latest iteration of “the sexy ‘it’ shoe”, and the “sexy ‘it’ shoe” always requires the high heel. The cage sandals are not meant to be practical, they are meant to say “this women is so bursting with sexiness that her very feets must be constrained by her shoe, lest they wreak havoc on the unaccompanied PGA golfers and Silicon Valley billionaires.”

Here is the Vagibu Cage Sandals from the maestro Manolo Blahnik. It has the four-inch heel and is wildly expensive. But, even if you cannot wear it or afford it, it is still most beautiful to look at, no?

Blahnik Vagibu Cage Sandals

Manolo the Columnist: Red Carpet Kelli from E! Live

Manolo says, here is the latest column of the Manolo for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

My junior prom is coming up, and I’ve decided that rather than look like a Disney fairy princess or a high-class prostitute I want to try to be more elegant and restrained in a little black dress that’s not too short. I need some shoes that add color, and because I’m in high school so money is an issue.

Sophie

Manolo says, ayyyy! How well the Manolo remembers his own high school prom at the Our Lady of the Flaming Spleen Country Day School (whose motto remains “The wrathful word turneth away evil”). As expected the Manolo turned out in his finest finery, the frock coat, striped trousers, silken waistcoat, top hat, spats and his finest walking stick, which, the truth be told, was not that different from what he normally wore to school each day.

Because the Manolo was the fashion reporter for the school newspaper, it was his job to stand on the red carpet and interview the most splendiferous couples as they arrived in the rented limousines, dressed in the ill-fitting tuxedos and polyester hoochie-mama gowns.

“Ayyy! You look fabulous darling. Who is this you are wearing? Fernando of Tulsa? It is smashing, this combination of rhinestones and pink rayon!”

Here is the Red Carpet Kelli from the E! Live, in the gold metallic that will enliven the simple black dress in the exactly correct way to distinguish one from the crowd.

Red Carpet Kelli

Manolo the Columnist: Laurance Cage Sandals from Christians Louboutin

Dear Manolo,

Not only is weather here abominable, but worse my boyfriend won’t be able to get back from Atlanta in time for Valentine’s Day. Can you please, please suggest some shoes that will cheer me up.

Monica

Manolo says, just the mere two weeks ago, the Manolo was mocking the apocalyptic prognostications of the weather people, and now, ayyyyy! The real Snowpocalypse his finally here! And now, the Manolo is regretting his insouciance.

Although, one must admit that it that the current situation is very much like the fairy tale of the Weatherboy who cried Winter Storm Wolf. If every little flurry of flakes is greeted with the shouts of panicked trepidation, then when the real storms of ice arrive we all be out on the roads, where we will encounter the fellow drivers who have only recently arrived from exotic places such as Equatorial Guinea and Miami, where ice is merely theoretical.

At that point, after you have abandoned your car in the ditch along side the road and are trudging home through three miles of ice and snow in your flip-flops, because you had rushed out at the last minute to buy the extra feathers for your down comforter, you will be drawing up elaborate plans of revenge on the entire class of weather people, involving ice floes, arctic seas and the hungry, hungry polar bears.

Look! Here is the Laurence leather cage, lace-up sandals from the Christian Louboutin, in the beautiful riviera blue, because, of the course, the French Riviera is where you would rather be.

Laurance Cage Sandals from Louboutin

Manolo the Columnist: Clayton from Joie

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column for he Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

I’m very tall, 5’11” to be specific, and for most of my life (I’m now 29) I’ve avoided wearing heels so that I don’t tower over others in the crowd. However, I’ve decided that I’m now confident enough to try to look a little more glamorous when I go out. What would you recommend? How high is too high a heel?

Michelle

Manolo ask, how high the heel? The Manolo answers, how high the moon!

Every few of the months, the Manolo gets the question from the tall girl asking permission to wear the tall heels, as if the Manolo were the world authority on the social life of the vollyball players and super models. The implicit question is always the same, will the shorty boys not like being with the tally girls, who are the head-and-bosom statuesque over them?

And every few of the months the Manolo gives the same answer, which is the same thing he says to all the girls, fat, thin, short, or tall, stop slumping, stand up straight, throw back the shoulders, and wear the heels if you want. Few things are more appealing than good posture and self-confidence.

Who cares what the insecure men will think? Any man who would feel threatened by the young woman because she is too tall is the man whose opinion is perhaps not worth the consideration.

Here is the Clayton from Joie,, the provocative, suede, 3¾ inch peep-toe with the ankle ties that will be perfect for those little-black-dress functions where the tall girls are appreciated.

Clayton from Joie

Manolo the Columnist: Cutout Python Sandals from Alexandre Birman

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column from the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

It’s the middle of January, the weather has been abominable, and my job is dreary. Everyday, I feel like I’m slogging through a gray fog. Can you please, please, show me a pair of super fantastic shoes to cheer me up until the sun returns?

Sarah

Manolo says, it is true! In the depths of the deepest winter we find ourselves wondering why our best friend the sun has betrayed us, becoming distant, his smile giving no warmth. Worse, we hear from other peoples that he is out partying down with all sorts of peoples in places like Melbourne and Rio de Janeiro, while we sit here on the sofa with the oversized mug of hot cocoa, with double extra marshmallows, watching Lena Dunham look uncomfortable in various ill-fitting outfits.

Oh , how we long to text the message to our former BFF, Sol.

“Were u @, bro?”

And if he truly cared about us, he would text us back.

“Chillax, holmes. Taking care of sum bidness down south. Back in few wks.”

But that is not really enough to fully assuage our jealousy, for we know that Sol is the ultimate party person. Wherever he goes there will be the hot girls in bikinis and the buff boys in the tighty-tight swim trunks.

In such dolorous moments, experience has taught us that our greatest comfort will be the beautiful shoes. Here is the cutout python sandals from Alexandre Birman, the super fantastic fantasy shoe that will spread warmth to all who gaze upon it’s magnificence.

Alexandre Birman cutout python pups

Manolo the Columnist: Gem from Kors by Michael Kors

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s column for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

My husband has just announced that we¹re going to Miami Beach right after vChristmas for a couple of weeks of fun. I need some new sandals that will work in an upscale resort sort of way. Please help.

Jessica

Manolo says, ayyyy! The Manolo loves the Miami Beach, especially in the depths of the deepest winter when all of the roads in the Northeast are covered with the piles of the dirty icy slush, and all of the peoples are sullen and grey.

Then, it is the perfect time to escape to the South Florida, the sunny, Ron Rico-fueled land of pastel-colored madness and alligators, wherevoverly-tanned matrons in underly-clothed bikinis mingle with the sunburned Canadians who are squinting confusedly at that hot, bright orange ball of flames in the sky.

South Florida in the winter is the land of endless possibility; anything and everything can happen. One minute you are drinking the mai tais with the seven-feet tall Cuban drag queen, and the next you are riding the airboat through the swamps with the bearded man in the Dale, Jr cap who claims his actual given name is “Cooter Epstein”.

Yes, we are nearly 25 years down the road from the Miami Vice, but you still expect to see Don Johnson appear at any minute, with the sleeves of his white Armani jacket pushed up to his elbows.

Here is the Gem from the Kors by the Michael Kors, the golden flat sandal for the golden winter days and gilded nights of Miami Beach.

Gem from Kors by Michael Kors

Manolo the Columnist: Ambre from Mephisto

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

My husband and I are planning a trip to San Francisco and Sonoma County in late September. Between the must-see attractions in San Francisco and all of the wineries and breweries we’ll be visiting, I know we’ll be doing a lot of walking – can you recommend a comfortable shoe for the trip?

Sarah

Manolo says, the Manolo cannot tell you how many questions he receives from the peoples who are travelling to the California to partake of the many and varied delights of the State of Goldeness. For the example, where else in the world can one snow ski in the morning and water surf in the afternoon?

Where else can one listen to the 23-year-old billionaires spouting hours of witless, tech-company start-up palaver in the morning, and then dine magnificently in the evening on the fresh, free-range, sustainable, Tomales Bay sea urchin roe, lightly seared in the peppery, Sonoma estate, small-batch, extra-super-extra virgin olive oil, served on the bed of Salinas County baby frisée endive and Napa hand-grown infant chervil, garnished lightly with the wild-harvested Tule Lake blue horseradish and South Lodi heirloom kumquats, accompanied by the soupçon of Humboldt County abalone foam?

Nowhere else in the world can one do that, nor would one wish to do that. In California all the old rules are out the window, to be replaced by that special California combination of radical casual familiarity and obtuse pomposity, served with the very nice bottles of wine.

Late September is the best time of the year to visit Northern California. The weather will be magnificent, and so the Manolo recommends the Ambre from Mephisto, the super comfortable flat sandal in the finish amusing called “Spice Perle Patent” to be worn with something California and flowy.

Mephisto Ambre

Manolo’s Late Night Bargain: Ash Shoes from Brand Boudoir

Manolo says, from the Brand Boudoir comes the many end-of-the-season bargains on the Ash Shoes, the French brand made in Italy, for the example…

Lucy Kitten Heel from Ash

This is the Lucy from Ash, the Cleopatra-inspired, kitten-heeled sandal that is selling for 57% off of the usual price.

Or, if you wish the flat heel…

Lui Flat Sandal from Ash

The Lui from Ash, silver flat sandal, selling for 60% off.

Both of these are the sort of sandals which will likely never go out of the style, and thus can be worn for many years to come.

Manolo the Columnist: Portman from Burberry

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest column from the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo,

My best friend since grade school is getting married for the second time, in Key West, in what she’s describing as a “very informal” ceremony. I know I’m supposed to wear sandals, but I need help with this. I’m not sure which kind.

Sarah

Manolo says, the Manolo cannot help it, but when the Manolo hears the words “Key West wedding “ he immediately thinks “gay pirate themed,” with the Right Reverend Captain Blackbeard the Bear officiating.

But, that is only the first problem, the second is that the Manolo hesitates to imagine what the phrase “very informal” means in the context of the Key West, where the physicians at the local urgent clinic have been known to greet the patients bare-chested, Papa Hemingway style, with the fruity daiquiri in the one hand and the stethoscope in the other.

Thus, the Manolo has many, many questions. For the example, clearly, the shoes will be optional at this wedding, likely the shirts, too. But what about the pants? Would cargo shorts be considered overly dressy? Will the swim up bar be hosted? Since the Manolo has been lead to believe that gay pirates are the mandatory part of the Key West wedding, is it okay if they only act as ushers, rather than as the groomsmen and bridesmaids?

Here is the Portman thong sandal from Burberry in the silverly color described as Metallic Trench, which since it is the end of the sandal season is half off the usual price at Zappos.

Portman Sandal from Burberry

The FitFlop

Manolo says, many of the Manolo’s internet friends have been asking him about the supposedly very popular brand of the thong sandals.

“Manolo what do you think of the FitFlop?”

To which the Manolo replies: “Wah? The Flipflot?”

“No, Manolo, the FitFlop.”

“The FlitFlop?”

“No, no, no,” says the friend of the Manolo, “The Fit, F-I-T, Flop. It’s a type of flip flop sandal that tones you up as you walk on them.”

“Do not most shoes have this miraculous property,” answers the Manolo, “you walk the long distances in them and as the result you achieve the higher level of physical fitness.”

“Well, yes. But supposedly, you don’t have to walk as far in the FitFlop to achieve the same result.”

“Ah, so they are very, very heavy then, yes, like strapping the lead weights to your feets? For pumping the iron.”

“No. I don’t think so, Manolo. Anyway, these shoes they’re really cute, and they help you tone up. Cool, huh?”

“Really cute? Really?”

“Really cute. Look, here’s some FitFlops from Shoetique. What do you think, Manolo?.”

FitFlop Fluer Mineral Red

“Do you wish the Manolo to honestly opine about this,” asks the Manolo.

“Yes, of course.”

“It looks like the orthopedic shoe for hippies.”

“But, that’s the whole point, it tones you up as you walk in them.”

“Are you perhaps familiar with the name Charles MacKay?”

“No, who?”

“Oh, nobody.”

Cherry-Fuchsia Wedge Sandals for the Monday

Manolo says, it is Monday and you are back at your desk, slaving away for the Man, making hay for the ImEmTechCo, Inc, while the sun doth shine.

Lately, however, you are coming to the realization that perhaps you are trading your salad years for the mess of corporate pottage.

Yes, you have the roof over your head, and the organic food on your table, but you are finding that reporting in each morning for another spin on the hamster wheel is not as fulfilling as you had hoped it would be when you were hired, lo, these many years ago.

This is why you have lately been considering starting your own business. Either corporate consulting in your field or the cupcake bakery, although, frankly, you are worried that the cupcakes have peaked, which why the thoughts of mini-bundt cakes keeps swimming unbidden into your noggin.

Remember your friend Jilly, who left the very big-deal job as the lawyer to start her own quilting shop? It all happened the year after she won the second place ribbon at the state fair for her unorthodox triptych quilt depicting the life and works of Sir William Blackstone.

Next thing you know, she had sent in her notice, cashed out part of her retirement, and opened the “Gilded Needle Quilt Shoppe” in the converted Victorian two blocks up from Main Street in this twee little town filled with antique stores.

And now, five hard years later, she works mostly as the public defender, and has almost entirely given up the quilting.

You know, maybe the problem is that it is summer time and you are stuck indoors. Maybe you need to think about the flippy-fun, summery wedge sandals with the cork soles.

Lotus Fuchsia Wedge Sandal

From the Lotus, this is the Cherry-Fuchsia Corsage Wedge Sandal, which may well be the cure for what ails you.

Manolo the Columnist: Mirielle from Circus by Sam Edelman

Manolo says, here is the Manolo’s latest post for the Express of the Washington Post.

Dear Manolo

When I got up this morning, the weatherman was shouting about our big heat wave, which makes me think I want to move to Juneau, Alaska, or maybe buy myself some new sandals. Please advise

Lisa

Manolo says, among the many things about the modern world of which the Manolo does not approve, the melodramatic hysteria of the broadcast weatherpeoples ranks just below the peoples in the seats in front of you who are texting commentary on the movie you are watching to the peoples who are sitting in the seats behind you.

Sadly, nowadays, our weatherpeoples announce the slightest increase in the temperature and humidity as if it were the existential crisis, instead of typical summer weather in the District of the Columbia.

“Well, Kelley, you see here on the map, that over the weekend a widespread Mongol horde will move into the tri-state area from the east, bringing with it a pretty heavy concentration of looting and pillaging. Saturday afternoon we can expect the living to envy the dead. But by Sunday, things will quiet down, although look for pyramids of skulls appearing outside most the majors cities.”

“Looks like a rough weekend ahead, Biff. How’s it gonna be on Monday?”

“By Monday afternoon, the Mongols should have moved westward out of the area, trailing a string of captives, but you might still run into scattered raiding parties during the AM commute. So, pack a sword, just in case.”

Look! It is the Mirelle from the Circus by Sam Edelman, the super cute beaded thong sandal that is perfect for the hot days in the big city.

mirielle-circus-sam-edelman

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