AUG
2012
14

Shoe Personalities: Trinkletina from Irregular Choice

N.B. Psychologists have proven what we already know, shoes tell us much about the wearer

Trinkletina from Irregular Choice

The Trinkletina from Irregular Choice, $145.

Manolo says, your life really changed for the better when you finally got enough money to have the full sleeve tattoo on your left arm colored in. Yes, it hurt like crazy for more than two weeks, but now all these cute young guys with mustaches and fedoras are giving you compliments on it.

It is of the geisha riding a Chinese-style dragon, wielding the broad sword, and looking very kick ass. You have named the geisha, “Trixie”, because you secretly wish that was your name, or at the least, your nickname. Trixie is so much cooler than “Jessica”.

If you had to characterize your style, you would say it was “eclectic-retro”, although it is not really that easy to find the 1940s clothing in your size (most of those girls were so tiny back then), so you mix and match, which is why you thought these shoes were so fun.

When asked, you admit to being 29, or “29 and one half” if you are being funny, but you have to be careful not to mention that you graduated from high school in 1997, because then people will do the addition in their heads. In your darker moments, when you’re alone in your tiny studio apartment, you realize this is sort of like how you call yourself the “mixologist”, when you’re really just the bartender who just pops open the cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and pours the shots of Jamesons.

That is how you met your last boyfriend, “Loser Bob”, who was the sort of free-lance bicycle repairman and scrap metal collector. Going with him for nearly two years was not the best decision you ever made.

But these shoes, wearing them really cheers you up.

AUG
2012
14

The Kardashian Kaboose

The Kardashian Kaboose

Manolo says, on the one of the hands, it is both startling and mesmerizing, like the second moon, brighter than the first, suddenly looming into view in the clear night sky.

On the other of the hands, it is her greatest, if not only, talent.

On the third of the hands, this provides the much needed corrective to the unattainable standard set by the booties of the Olympic beach volleyball.

On the fourth of the hands, this will undoubtedly send Mrs. Ice-T back to the plastic surgeon.

On the fifth of the hands, dayyyyyuuuumn, girl. Just, dayyyyyyuuumn.

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