Manolo says, daily readings from Don’t Hassel the Hoff. Today, page 117.

Patricia and I spent our first romantic night together at the Heia Safari Ranch outside Johannesburg in an African-decor bungalow. That first night in camp one of the guides mimicked the mating cry of a wildebeest. Next day, we drove around the safari park in a little hire car. When we saw two wildebeest, I couldn’t resist trying out the mating cry. Patricia roared with laughter but one of the animals looked up and headed straight for us.

‘Wow — this mating stuff really works!’ I said.

We wound the windows up and I frantically tried to start the diesel engine, but before I could get the car in gear the wildebeest had rammed his head into the bodywork again and again. We made it to the park’s entrance and while the gatekeeper was letting us out a passing ostrich ripped off the radio antenna.

The Word of the Hoff!

P.S. Previous daily readings from Don’t Hassle the Hoff.

Manolo says, daily readings from Don’t Hassel the Hoff. Today, page 140.

I had been home in Sherman Oaks for a few days when there was a knock on the door and a man introduced himself as the new neighbor who had just moved into the house next door.

‘I understand you’re famous in Germany,’ he said.

‘Well, yes — how did you know?’

‘There are Germans in my trees.’

‘We walked up the driveway and there were shouts from the trees on his side of the fence.

‘Hello, David!’

‘Hi David, this is Fritz!’

The neighbor was right; there were Germans in his trees. I invited them to come down on to my side of the fence to meet me. It was quite common for fans from Germany or Austria to trek all the way out to Sherman Oaks to pay me a visit and talk about my popularity in their country.

The Word of the Hoff!

Manolo says, daily readings from Don’t Hassel the Hoff. Today, pages 260-261

When I took stock of my personal relationships, I realized there was a lot of work to be done. I believe a man needs a wife just as much as children need a mother, so it was a very, very difficult time for me to cope with the new arrangements. The only thing that kept me going was the love of my children.

Hayley was quite funny about my dating. When a twenty-year-old girl tried to hit on me, she said, ‘Dad, that is appalling — that girl is twenty and she only likes you because you’re a celebrity.’

‘What’s wrong with that?’

‘And she only likes you because you’re rich.’

‘What’s wrong with that?’

So Hayley put an age limit on my dating partners: no one younger than thirty-five, but after a while I negotiated that down to twenty-eight.

The Word of the Hoff!

Manolo says, daily readings from Don’t Hassel the Hoff. Today, pages 198-199.

Rod Steiger was a solitary figure; he would take his lines and go off on his own. Eventually, the director would get fed up with waiting for him to reappear. He’d say, ‘There’s only one person who can control him and it’s you.’

So I would find Steiger and say, ‘Are you ready, Mr Steiger?’

He would scream, ‘Who the f— are you to f—— come in here and f—— tell me what to f—— do!’

I’d say, ‘Are you finished, Mr Steiger? I’m going to give you my line and then we want one line from you.’

He didn’t give a hoot about the director, but he was fond of me and always complied. He was on a short fuse and found it hard to take the noise in Manila. ‘I can’t concentrate, it’s so f—— loud. Hasselhoff, you’re an f—— hero – stop the traffic!’ But although representations were made to the city authorities, the traffic would not stop, even for Rod Steiger. Nevertheless, he stole every scene he was in.

The last time I saw him I was on a pedestrian crossing in Malibu. He alsmost knocked me down in his car. I shouted at him to be more careful and he shouted back and drove off. He hadn’t even recognized me.

The Word of the Hoff!

Manolo says, daily readings from Don’t Hassel the Hoff. Today, page 214.

My character, Mungo Prentice, is the bearded pony-tailed captain of the slave ship Defiance, a man who has given up on the world until he meets Karen Allen’s Miss Farewell while transporting her to Africa to find her father, Captain Francis Farewell (James Fox). Joshua Sinclair had based Prentice on John Newton, composer of the hymn ‘Amazing Grace’ and the self-proclaimed ‘wretch’ of the lyrics. Newton was the captain of a slave ship who, on a homeward voyage on 10 May 1748, experienced a ‘great deliverance’ when his ship was saved from a violent storm as though by divine intervention. Newton became a clergyman, who wrote the Olney Hymns with William Cowper and campaigned against slavery.

The Word of the Hoff!

Manolo says, daily readings from Don’t Hassel the Hoff. Today, page 171.

The glittering room at the Savoy was packed with chattering people when the decibel level suddenly dropped and all eyes turned to the tall woman who had just entered. She spotted us and walked over. I remember thinking ‘God, she’s tall.’ She had high heels on and was almost as tall as me. She was strikingly beautiful, with the face of an angel. We shook hands.

‘You look good with your clothes on,’ she said to me.

‘And so do you,’ I replied.

Diana laughed, blushed, and then looked coy. It wasn’t my imagination–she was flirting with me. Pamela elbowed me. She and Diana were both wearing almost identical Escarda dresses, so perhaps that had something to do with it.

On television, Diana always seemed humble and shy, averting her eyes and keeping her head bowed; that was the image I had of her – ‘Shy Di’. I knew she was separated from Prince Charles but I didn’t know anything about her private life or her attitude towards men.

Diana said, ‘What were we talking about?’

‘I have no idea’

‘Good – because neither do I.’

The word of the Hoff!

Manolo says, daily readings from Don’t Hassel the Hoff. Today, page 210.

Someone handed me a koala bear and I was supposed to cuddle it for a few minutes and say how cute it was. I should have known better. The little monster sunk its claws into my arm and refused to let go.

Peter Allen, the Boy from Oz, was one of the acts and, while he was performing, people tried to prise the bear free but its claws were embedded under my skin. It took forty minutes to restore the power supply and longer than that during the commercial breaks to get rid of the bear. The whole thing was something of an ordeal and I was relieved when the show wrapped and it was party time.

The word of the Hoff!

Manolo says, daily readings from Don’t Hassel the Hoff. Today, page 186.

My whole family were extremely proud when I was awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Professionally, however, I felt as though I would be running down the beach in slow motion for the rest of my life. My music career hadn’t taken off in the USA as I had hoped. My fourth album, Is Everybody Happy?, had been released in Europe to big sales, but the American market was still out of reach. My movie career had stalled. i said to Jan McCormack, ‘The only way I’m going to get good reviews is if I play a bad guy.’ She found me a role as a murderer in Avalanche, a TV thriller filmed in Canada. I had internalized all of the bad reviews of Baywatch and used them in my character. It felt so good to let it out in a positive way.

The word of the Hoff!

Manolo says, daily affirmation from Don’t Hassel the Hoff. Today’s reading is from page 81.

I had been in South Africa for only twenty-four hours when I noticed that black South Africans would always shake my hand in such a way as to show they had no weapons up their sleeve. I walked onto a segregated bus, even though people warned me not to. I said to myself, “Hasselhoff can’t board that bus, but Michael Knight can!” To the consternation of the security guards, I boarded the bus. Every passenger was black and they began hugging and kissing me; everyone wanted to shake my hand.

The word of the Hoff!

Manolo says, while obsessively reading and rereading the David Hasselhoff’s masterful autobiography, Don’t Hassel the Hoff, the Manolo came to the realization that one could open the book to any random page and find the incredibly entertaining anecdote.

Here then, in proof of this, is the first in what will become the on-going feature, “Readings from the Book of Hasselhoff.”

This created difficulties because we still had to work together. The day after the break-up I had to film a love scene with her in which Casey tries to seduce Snapper, even though she knows he’s married and faithful to his wife. It was very disconcerting. I was waiting for the ultimate slap – I knew it was coming and I knew I deserved it. When I rejected her advances in the scene, she let rip with an almighty whack that rattled my brains. Then she stormed off the set.

The director came up, concerned. “That wasn’t in the script”

“It’s okay—don’t ask.”

I was lucky to get out of it with a slap.

The word of the Hoff!

Manolo says, the Manolo’ s campaign to be named the #1 Hoffster has not borne the fruit, and although the peoples at the St. Martins Press have undoubtedly received many, many letters from the internet friends of the Manolo, they have not bothered to update the Don’t Haselhoff the Hoff Week webpage to reflect this.

Indeed, they have not changed the webpage at all since first posting it, leading the Manolo to believe that the Don’t Hassle the Hoff Week is not the true expression of the Hasselhoffian-based joy, but the mere cynical marketing ploy designed to sell the books!

Have these public relations peoples no shame? Do they not know that there are those of us whose affection and good will toward the magnificent Hasselhoff must not be toyed with?

For shame, St. Martin’s Press, for shame!