My husband and I, for reasons I will NOT go into at the moment, once worked in a Utilikilt booth at a (wait for it) gay rodeo in Maryland. In August. The official rep from Utilikilt Central showed up in a black leather Utilikilt (in August..remember that), complete with chains, a spiked dog collar and more tattoos than I had ever seen other than in an exhibit about Maoris. He looked us up and down and said, “You know this is a GAY rodeo, right?” Because we’d just driven 6 hours for what we thought was going to be some fun, we went along with it and did the job for two days. I can tell you that 99.9% of guys who buy Utilikilts are not guys who’ve got Scottish or Irish family connections and who’d go out of their way to invest in the whole rig. Or even get a proper tarten kilt and wear it Prince Charles casual style with boots, a wool sweater and carrying a walking stick. I’m not exactly sure why these guys were buying them (the try on technique was a hoot and my husband was getting hit on about every 5 minutes), but they were moving like hot cakes. We even had guys from the Pentagon there who were buying the ones in camo.

Esteemed Sr. Manolo, I have been loyally reading your blogs for 6 years, and for the first time ever I am at a loss. I would agree that yes, 95% of the time the Utilikilts looks like an accident of fabric; however, my husband married me in a carefully-pressed, flat-front, black Utilikilt accompanied by silk cravat, tuxedo jacket and Scottish wool vest; he also sewed 18-button spats to match. It worked beautifully. I hope you will not ban my IP address hereafter! Besos from your longtime fan.

They’re dresses for men. Putting pockets on them doesn’t make them not-dresses.

It is not the work “utilikilt” that is depressing. When I clicked the link from Instapundit, I was imagining a combination of Batman’s utility belt and a fully stocked Ranger vest worn over the legs, and waiting to see what gadgets had been designed into it. That may not be fashionable, it may be extremely dorky, but it is not depressing.

The reality was depressing.

I think this is the fashion equivalent of the cargo cults after World War II, were PAcific islanders would weave “airplanes” out of local plants and clear airstrips, hoping that the magic birds from the sky would return and drop stuff. Copying the form while having no understanding of the function. A kilt works because it connects to a martial tradition–it is specific, it is difficult. Kilt-wearers connect to a specific family or regimental tartan (real or imagined), claiming a specific heritage.

The utilikilt makes the same mistake–copying the details of the form while completely misunderstanding. They seem to be in khakis, a very generic fabric. Now, I wear khakis–but I buy them at Walmart, they are cheap, they don’t clash with anything and they’re less hot than jeans in the summer.

The people in the pictures seem like the kind of folks who would wear khaki shorts–I would. But I think that they think they have somehow upgraded. They haven’t. From a poor fashion choice that blends in, they how have a poor fashion choice that stands out.

I started playing the great highland bagpipe when I turned 50. If you play bagpipes, you wear a kilt. It’s the law. Trust me. I joined a military heritage band. So I have a heavy wool kilt in Royal Stewart tartan and horse hair sporran. For winter and formal occasions, the band’s uniform includes full piper’s doublet, crossbelt and plaid (pronounced ‘played’) which is essentially a bedroll wrapped around you chest and draped over the shoulder. Oh, and let’s not forget the foot tall ostrich feather bonnet. Walking down the street in that getup took some getting used to. I still have absolutely no desire to wear a utilikilt. The scottish military uniform serves to honor a proud historical tradition. The utilikilt is for something else and I don’t swing that way.

One – they’re comfortable.

Two – they’re easy access for the Mrs.

Three – they carry a butt-load of gear.

Four – the make anal-retentive people all around the world lose their mind.

I love ’em.